We all experience embarrassing moments from time to time – but is there a good way to limit the cringe? Experts offer tips on how to regulate your own feelings of shame and overcome them with confidence. Berlin (dpa) – Your stomach starts growling loudly in an important meeting. You break wind on your first date. You call someone's new wife by the name of his ex-wife. You realize you had lipstick on your teeth while talking to a neighbour. You stumble and fall in a crowded restaurant. There are countless situations so embarrassing that you may wish the ground would open up and swallow you whole. "We all want to be self-assured and on top of things," says Monika Scheddin, a business coach, motivational speaker and author based in Munich. "But what we all have in common are little slip-ups." Embarrassment is actually a positive thing, as it shows that the matter is important to us, we're social beings and aware of societal norms. People who know no shame, such as narcissists, are the ones with a problem. But as with many feelings, not to mention things in general, embarrassment is beneficial only so long as it's not excessive. Otherwise it can cause you suffering. What can you do to keep embarrassing situations from unduly bothering you, perhaps even to the point of interfering with your life? Well, there are strategies to make them quickly lose their bite, and sometimes even turned in your favour. First of all, they can be divided into two categories, says Ilja Grzeskowitz, who describes himself as a "keynote speaker on change, leadership and a future mindset." There are those of interest only to the person involved, and gaffes that ruffle others' feathers. The first category includes everyday embarrassments that only you see as significant but are quickly forgotten by those around you, if they're registered at all, such as a flippant, off-the-cuff remark, a stain on your blouse or an open fly. "It rattles around in your mind for a long time, since you regard it as super embarrassing – a classic case of overthinking," Grzeskowitz says. Depending on the circumstances, there are two ways you can react: either elegantly overlook it by, say, continuing to speak or zipping up your fly without comment, or by saying, "Whoops!" and laughing. You might even come up with a witty comment, reacting to a stain on your blouse by quipping, for instance, "I think it looks good on me!" Or saying, "I was just trying to be funny," after a remark that didn't go over well. This usually dissipates the embarrassing situation. Speaking of humour: "By laughing at a problem, you're already cosying up to the solution," says Scheddin. You also appear confident and take pressure off others involved, who can laugh with you. If, however, a sense of shame still gnaws at you long after the incident that precipitated it, you should do some self-reflection. "A lot of people have a deep-seated belief from their childhood that they don't measure up," says Grzeskowitz. "They're constantly seeking validation from others." Feelings of shame evoke their latent insecurity. Self-esteem in adulthood doesn't generate itself – it must be developed. "You can't acquire it from books. It's a matter of decisions you make and challenges you tackle," Scheddin says. She advises forgiving yourself after embarrassing situations, mentally giving yourself a hug and asking yourself what you'd say, and advice you'd give, to your best friend if the situation had happened to them. It can also be helpful to ask yourself whether the incident will still bother you in three months or three years. If the answer is no, then why not simply forget about it now? The second, more serious category of embarrassing situations is those in which your behaviour has hurt or angered others. "I once expressly insisted on a certain time for an appointment with a business partner, and then forgot about it," recalls Grzeskowitz. But even faux pas like this can be quickly rectified, namely with an apology. It's often difficult to say, "I was at fault and I'm sorry," though, perhaps for fear of negative consequences from admitting a mistake. A frequently used strategy in such cases is to look for excuses, to blame circumstances or someone else. But this helps no one. The offended person usually sees the excuse for what it is, and the offender as dishonest. As a result, mutual trust and respect can be damaged, or not develop in the first place. So "an apology is the only viable solution," Grzeskowitz says. As a first, "internal" step, Scheddin advises accepting the embarrassing situation as such. Then state the obvious and apologize. An example: Talking with a colleague, you make disparaging remarks about another colleague, who happens to be standing behind you and hears everything. To get out of the situation halfway unscathed, you should say something like, "Forgive me, that was wrong of me and not how I normally am. I wish I could vanish into thin air now." The following information is not intended for publication dpa/tmn mrr yyzz a3 bzl lue nhr ob
(The article has been published through a syndicated feed. Except for the headline, the content has been published verbatim. Liability lies with original publisher.)
